I Have To Return Some Videotapes

Evelyn: Where are you going?

Patrick: I am just leaving.

Evelyn: But where?

Patrick: I have to return some videotapes. 

An often given pretext of fictitious businessman and alleged serial killer Patrick Bateman this excuse is now certainly antiquated in any conceivable social situation. Gone are the trips to the local video store, clunky and cumbersome VHS players and fast forwarding through obnoxious previews of straight to TV movies. Is this a bad thing? Call me a sentimental s-o-b but there is much to be missed.

Rewind back to 1997: I am thirteen years old and in the eighth grade. Trippy singles like Six Underground hit the airwaves, gas is just one twenty-two a gallon, a movie ticket just four fifty nine, and a young man we affectionately call Leo becomes a sensation. Once a week my family piles in the car headed for our local movie rental shop- Home Vision Video. Monumental disappointment still looms as a distinct possibility despite well laid plans on the car ride. The unanimous decision to rent Men In Black ultimately is futile when every copy on the new release wall is missing it's counterpart movie box.

Men In Black (1997)

Now utterly directionless wanderlust would set in. Our group would scatter scouring the new releases, unearthing the classics and happening upon the unknown. Quickly identifying my top candidates I would set upon the task of locating the most ludicrous movies. Flashing the covers of films such as Booty Call would elicit a fairly predictable response from parents and sister. Next I would move to my wish list of sure to be vetoed titles such as The Fifth Element. Inevitably a compromise would be reached on a film of decidedly lesser desirability but that met the minimum requirement for each member of the viewing party. Maybe it was the night our parents finally caved and we rented Good Burger or the night I got suckered into watching a romcom like My Best Friend's Wedding. Regardless of the outcome the selection would later play as bargaining chip in the next week's movie debate.

For every poor decision there were many successes. Spectacular double features such as Blind Date/Money Pit and Flubber/Mouse Hunt were masterminded. Worthwhile picks such as hot action flick (Dante's Peak) and tried and true favorite (Air Force One) became placeholders for slightly older us to pull from the shelf one day. If all else failed there was always the employee picks. A hodgepodge of movies that certainly won't disappoint but might leave you scratching your head. It left no mystery to the staff, their tastes and preferences on the wall for all to see: the romantic, the sci-fi nerd, the action buff, the jock athlete and the odd ball. With every pick we became one movie wiser and one movie closer to the coveted free rental.

Does the free rental view better than the rest? Does the fact that it is free vindicate your poor poor choice? A film school thesis no doubt. Ultimately it is the make up of your viewing party that will decide how best to spend the free view. Just like it is not recommended you take your wallet out on a crowded subway it is also not recommended you announce your free movie. In high school my friend Nate made this very mistake. We went home with a soft core porn, Up Against Amanda.

Videoport is my local video rental store in Portland.

Fast forward to 2013: Movie Gallery and Blockbuster have both sought bankruptcy protection, Best Buy stocks primarily blu-rays and we can watch movies on our phones. In my apartment an outdated DVD collection litters my bookshelf, cable television is nowhere to be found and shit, neither is a television. I'm a Netflix junky, a YouTube enthusiast, an occasional Hulu consumer and an advantageous exploiter of pirated internet media. The Napster-Metallica war has come and gone with no clear victor. I stream instant watch, download, rip and burn. Media is increasingly at my fingertips for free or damn near free. This has become the norm for all of us.

Last weekend my good friend John visited me from the nether regions of Northern Maine. After a successful excursion to several local drinking establishments we fired up my computer and drank beer to the wee hours of the morning watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. The next morning we were meeting another friend for brunch that did not share our same enthusiasm for imbibing. “What do you think James does on Saturday night when we are out drinking?” John asked me on the way to breakfast the next day. Reading, talking with his long distance girlfriend, I didn't know.

Twenty minutes later the three of us squeezed into our booth at Marcy's with some coffee. James took one look at our tired hung over faces and felt the need to break the silence, “So I stayed up last night until two watching It's Always Sunny.”

Just two weeks ago Netflix had added It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia to instant watch. Back in 1997 James and I may have happened upon each other reaching for the last new release copy of Men In Black at the video store. In 2013 we were both streaming episodes of It's Always Sunny from our respective apartments.

This show is kick ass.

So what does it all mean? Are we so technologically equipped and self reliant when it comes to accessing our media that the days of group consumption are dying? Is our internet based, fast food laced, reality television saturated society too fast paced to seek out quality media with our friends in a worthwhile venue? If we may no longer have use for the video rental store or the video itself what's next?

Lets be glass half full about this shit. It means more to consume and more to enjoy! Will media ever be more than a good escape from reality, a thought provoking story, a good laugh, a hot bar topic or a well placed quote? Probably not. But it doesn't mean it can't still be social.

My point in this blog is to recap some of my experiences consuming the vast array of movie and entertainment media available to us. I am by no means a movie critic, hell, I can't even say I've even read a movie critic faithfully. No, this blog will more accurately be an autobiographical narrative of my epic journey through today's world of media past and present. Returning videotapes may no longer be an appropriate exit strategy, but then again maybe it is...

I have to return some videotapes.